The Woman at the Window

Ancestral Healing and the End of Counting

She’s at the window, counting, counting, counting.

One day it’s peanuts, another day it’s pennies, and sometimes raisins.

There’s an intense buzz of desperation. Fear and scarcity, the invisible hum of “never enough and this will never get better.”

She’s comfortable in this cold, dim room, where a few thin rays of light stream through the glass. Her scrawny fingers keep moving, counting what little there is. The motion keeps her safe. The busyness keeps her from looking up. She has to survive.

My great-great-great-great-grandmother.

Hi.

I love you.

I am you, and I have been loyal to you. I’ve lived your legacy by doing just what you did. Counting, counting, counting.

I step into the room with the window.

Hi, I’m Lily. I come from you, and I love you so much that I’ve remembered you by becoming you. Entangled in your story. Living your life through mine.

The buzz is intense and keeps swirling. Her fingers keep moving in the undeniable busy, busy, busy of counting and survival.

And then, I sit beside her.

Slowly, I unwrap a piece of chocolate.

“Look what I got for you,” I whisper.

There is shock and surprise and the slowing down of scrawny fingers as they finally halts the counting. And she meets my gaze and i meet hers as i hand her a piece of chocolate, a slice of heaven.

Another time  and another place has suddenly merged into this moment in this cold empty room. Something she has only even scarcely allowed herself to dream about. Chocolate.

“You can stop counting now,” I say.

“I see you. I honor your pain. I know you are just trying to survive. I really really see you”

Tears soften the air.

“Come eat chocolate with me. Let me take you to Paris.”

For the first time, I see her as separate from me. She has her own story, her own fate. And I trust her to hold it. I’m not her anymore. Finally.

“I give it all back to you now,” I tell her. “Your fear, your survival, your loyalty to scarcity. I honor it completely. And I release it. I give it back to you completely and utterly.”

With tears and love she receives it.

“It was never yours to begin with my love” she whispers.

The intense buzzing of busy, busy survival slowly melts into giggles and chimes.

“Look,” I smile, “the world is here for you. It’s unlimited. You are worthy of it. It’s yours. It’s unlimited. It’s OURS.”

As we float around in paris, eating chocolate and gelato and seeing the world, a cloud of softness carries me back to my time.

And Now I am laying in bed, my legs up, wrapped in the warmth of a cozy room and a blanket draped over my naked skin, a book rests besides a fragrant bouquet of roses, the scent filling the room. Peace hums quietly in the background.

The real gift of relaxation, quiet, openness, regulation and safety. That is the energy I bathe in here. The quite sweet sounds of giggles and chimes, the kind that come from the deepest place of trust, safety and ABUNDANCE.

I realize am not alone. She is here with me. And she is giggling, exhaling, resting.

We did it, Grandma. We are both free.

There’s no more woman counting by the window. She has fulfilled the dreams she couldn’t even dare to utter. Sailed on a big ship to paris and ate chocolate to her hearts content.

Now, from the warmth of this bed, we look out together at infinite galaxies and trillions of stars. Knowing deeply that we are part of it all. It is part of us. Abundance is not earned. It is simply there for us.

In time-traveling back into my ancestor's story, I finally honored her.

And by giving it back to her- because I trust her, as one who came before me, to hold her own fate-

not by living it or being like her (a blind love that heals no one ever), but by truly seeing it,

I have freed her, myself, and the entire lineage.

The image is one that has rested on my 2025 vision board. It has manifested!

I am abundant.

I am intrinsically worthy.

It is unlimited.

I trust.

Thank you ancestors.

Thank you Family Constellations.

And thank you Layla :*